Hi World! I hope everyone is doing great. I am doing pretty well, with lots of necessary and welcomed changes in my life. Since I last posted, I have slowed myself down tremendously. It was a very necessary change after almost losing my sanity and running , screaming from my own house.
As most of you know or can read from my profile, I am a mom of two lovely little girls, a wife, a sister a woman of God, a step mommie and a strategic couponer. I found every single last one of these things crumpling before my eyes as I begin to slip into a depression. Why was I depressed, when I felt so blessed? I was overwhelmed.
I was overwhelmed and that was hard for me to accept or admit. I, who had convinced myself that I am every woman, I can take on any task with ease, I can manage anything that comes my way, I am superwoman was depressed and in some ways disgusted. I felt defeated.
On top of being a mom of two small children (now 6 and 3) and a wife and woman after God's heart, plus a couponer, I also worked a full time, demanding job and was the primary worker within my home preparing meals, washing clothes, cleaning, managing. I treated myself like a stay at home mom with the demands I put ON MYSELF. My girls had to enjoy childhood to the fullest with walks to the park, pool days, playdates, crafts etc., my home had to be clean, sanitized and spotless, I had to be on top of every coupon deal and savings tip that was out there, I had to seek more time with God, attend Wednesday night prayer meetings and motivate my husband to lead our family and seek God's face in his decision- making and change his life for the better. It was my job to make everyone happy and ensure their happiness and this is what made me a real woman. Managing marriage, motherhood, work, personal life and spiritual life and doing it flawlessly with my hair in place and my house in order.
Thank God for deliverance! It did come easy because I resisted and fought against God and what His plan was for my life in order to please others and live up to the expectation that the world had set for me. I knew that something had to give, but I didn't know how to give it up or where to start. Unfortunately, it almost cost me my marriage and my sanity. Finally after much resistance I let go and let God. I literally sat down and talked to God and told him that I cannot do it anymore and it is not even for me to do. He ordained marriage and family and I know that my wish to maintain both was His will, so he was going to have to get me out of this mess and show me the way. First thing was cutting my work hours to manage my daughter's school schedule and my home life. I cut my work hours to 20 hours, much to my husbands's dissapproval. He did not understand how I could just leave money on the table that I could be making and ultimately admitted that he was afraid he may not be able to provide for the family. The director of my department was also not on board, attempting to force me to resign and then keeping me on until my position was filled, extending my resignation date out for over 6 months until finally I gave a final date and waltzed out on my own terms. I walked away from my job of 10 years and a very hefty salary, fully trusting God to see me through. It was scary at times and I told God all about it, but 6 months later I am still going. I picked up two independant contracts and now work from home three days a week. I also was contacted by another department in my job and asked to work two days a week from home or in the office. Amen! We are managing. I am home with my family, slowly organizing my life, happier and healthier and my marriage (which was at the brink of chaos) is slowy coming back to order.
I could go on for days with what is now my testimony, but they'll be more time for that later. My whole point is I had to slow down so that I could hear God's voice and see the path that he laid for me. It was not to be superwoman and everywoman and eventually crazy woman, but to be the woman he intended and ordained me to be. I give him the glory for the realization that HE is sufficient and all I need. Hallelujah and all praises to the most High!
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